WEIGHT CONTROL: FOCUS ON FEELINGS
Imagine you’re a telephone operator sitting in front of a huge console of blinking lights. Whenever a red light flashes, you’re supposed to plug a cord into a green socket. A blue light means to put the plug into a yellow socket. Orange light – purple socket. But what if you suddenly became color-blind? Imagine the chaos. Nothing gets connected No one can communicate with anyone else. Everything goes haywire.
In a sense, an eating-disordered person can be emotionally “color-blind.” When a bulimic feels angry-when the red light flashes-she plugs into the wrong socket. Instead of dealing directly with her anger, the signal gets diverted and triggers a binge. Similarly, an anorexic may fear intimacy, but her mind reroutes that feeling into a fear of fatness. The feelings are there, but the disorder causes them to short-circuit.
For years these people have denied or suppressed their feelings-”Angry? Me? Impossible.” Why does this happen? There are many reasons. Perhaps these people come from families that forbade emotional expression. They thus have no role models to follow when it comes to showing joy or pain. Or perhaps they were punished in some way for being emotional-”Don’t cry. Only babies cry. Go to your room.” They may think that a feeling such as anger, once it grabs hold, will hurl them out of control, and make them dangerous or bad.
Feelings become strangers, provoking strangely twisted responses. Recently I brought a seventeen-year-old bulimic and her parents into my office. I told them that she had to be hospitalized because, despite intense outpatient treatment, her severe bingeing and purging had put her in medical danger. “No!” she cried, throwing herself down, sobbing and pounding the floor with her fists. “I don’t want to go to the hospital! It’s not fair!” Despite her protests, the parents agreed to the plan and she was admitted. The next day, however, she was much calmer. She said, “To be honest, I’m kind of relieved you put me in here. I felt really terrible at home. Yesterday I thought that coming into the hospital meant leaving my mother to cope at home all by herself. I couldn’t let her know that I actually wanted to come into the hospital. She would think I was deserting her. I realize now that’s why I put on that little show in your office.”
Even a physical sensation such as hunger gets garbled in transmission. An anorexic says to herself, “Hungry? That’s not hunger, that’s, uh, nervous energy. I need to exercise more-exercise, yeah, that’s the ticket.” For a bulimic, the inner monologue might be: “Lonely? Nah. I’m just hungry, that’s what I am.”
*84/35/5*
